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Emerald's maddness

Ramblings, knowledge, wisdom, and opinion

Allow me to introduce myself

Hello, and welcome! I’m Emerald the tour guide to this insanity. I will be sharing with you my thoughts, insights, and not so humble opinions about many of lifes on goings as well as entertaining you with wit, humour, and my personal weirdness I cannot help but incorporate in my ramblings. Topics and subjects can range from deep and insightful to playful and fun with any aspect of my life, the things that matter to me, and current events or issues I take strong stances about. Basically you never know what to fully expect each time you swing by, but that is part of the maddness!

I could be labled a lot of things: eccentric, opinionated, creative, open minded, caring, and passionate are a few ways to describe me. I also happen to be a recovering addict, I am spiritual and a practitioner of the craft, I love learning and teaching, and I try to be aware of social, political, and environmental issues. I have rapid cycling bipolar and a few other mental illnesses that have impacted my life greatly and I have for the most part learned to maintain using alternative therapies and lifestyle habits. I study herbals and make my own products; hopefully soon I will be in business selling my products and building my dream. I have lived in several states, experinced the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful of life, and draw on my experinces for knowledge, wisdom, and insight. This is my life, my maddness….hope you enjoy the tour!20161201_174400

Featured post

No consciences, no mistakes

There are no consciences or mistakes; everything happends for a reason. We may not always be able to understand; and sometimes we must endure so that we can help others not strong enough to endure on their own. So long as we allow ourselves to flow with life instead of fighting it currents we only suffer what we absolutely must. It is when we try to fight life’s currents to get where we think we should be that we find ourselves battered without mercy only to find we didn’t want to be where we fought so hard to be after all. Some of us are warriors and life forges and tempers us so we have the mental/emotional/physical/spiritual strength and endurance to take on our battles.

When we refuse to accept, blame and hate, sherk responsibility, or simply don’t allow ourselves to move forward taking our lessons and leaving behind the baggage we end up repeating our lessons over. Cherish the blessings, treasure the gifts, and reflect on the lessons so that you can shed the negitivity and fullfill your purpose. This is how we heal, this is how we become the best we can be, and this is how we create peace within.r

Echos and Demons

I want to be happy.

I want to trust others.

I want to feel like I belong somewhere.

I try to be someone or at least build something to be proud of.

I try to be enough.

But the fact is I’ve never been enough, I’ve always been the weird one, I’ve never fully belonged, I’ve felt more in the way then wanted, and disappointed more then made proud. As I’ve gotten older my desire to be loved and wanted by at least my family has only grown, yet I’ve only become more at odds with them. Many like me but few know me. I’ve failed over and over because I’m afraid to actually succeed. I’ve been rejected and outright insulted enough to know I’m not even close to pretty. My own family has turned on me abandoned me when I needed them the most. And been hurt, violated, and destroyed emotionally and mentally so many times that I’ve almost come to prefer staying this way instead of healing only to experince the agony of being torn apart all over again. Why should I trust anyone, my trust has always been betrayed. Why should I expect anyone to stick around, no one wants me after awhile. Why should I build and dream, everytime I’ve actually started to successfully pursue anything it gets ripped away for some reaason or another.

Yet I keep trying, keep wanting, keep returning, keep putting myself out there. I just wish these echos and demons would stop tearing me apart from within, I get torn apart by others enough. I try to build my confidance, my worth, my esteem but a lifetime of having these things destroyed has left me in a constant mental battle that underminds my best efforts. How do you fight your own mind? Maybe someday I’ll figure it out and then maybe I’ll finally be enough for somebody to want, then again maybe not….fb_img_1481378330714

Choices and changes

Every choice has a consquence, every consquense can create changes- welcome or not- in our lives. I’ve had more then my fair share of unwelcomed consequences that have created changes that forever more impacted the way my life went. I’ll take my licks and keep my complaints down to a minimal when it is my fault something happens. I will not be so accepting when others impact my life against my best efforts; I may have to live with, even accept, whatever comes my way but that doesn’t mean I can’t take action to change the situation. To many times in my life I have allowed others actions, opinions, or circumstances infringe on the way my life was going- it’s only taken me 33 years but I’m finally able to say no more. My life is at a point of change and redirection; I’m the one guiding my way, anyone who tries to make me veer off course is going to find they aren’t welcome in my life anymore. It really is simple as that. I know what I want, I know what I need, I know what I hope to see transpire, and I know the general direction to get these things. You may not like what I choose, you may not agree with where I hope to be going, you may not understand why I choose the route I do; it is ok, you don’t have to! My life, my choices, my consequences; I got to live with whatever the out come may be, not you. Besides pissing me off your going to find that among all that there are somethings in my life I not only wont explain, I wont even reveal they are there until I absolutely have to. So as I navigate towards my destination don’t think you know where I have my sight on landing because chances are your not going to be right. So focus on you, I’ll focus on me and if our journey sees us together for awhile- just enjoy it because after awhile we will part ways again. I’ve finally accepted that my life will never be tied down to a place for very long. I’m a wanderer for better or worse; I belong no where and everywhere, but I always come back to see the ones I love. You know this, history has proven it over and over. I’m just differnt from most, but you know this too; so trust me to roam and know what I’m doing is what is right for me.

Your right; it is a hard way to live having no foundation or home base of my own, but my homebase is who instead of where and it is enough for me. It is my choice to let my soul dictate how I live; but when I try to do it the normal way not only does my world end up crashing down on me, but I begin to shut down and hate life. I accept the consequences of my choices, you don’t need to. So this time around let us enjoy the time we share and just love me and my eccentric ways when it comes time to part once more. If you simply can’t do this then it will be a very sad day when I leave for after that I wont return. I’ve made my choices, now you have the choices you get to select from- notice none mention trying to badger me, bully me, guilt me, or otherwise try to stop me from making mine.

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