I want to be happy.
I want to trust others.
I want to feel like I belong somewhere.
I try to be someone or at least build something to be proud of.
I try to be enough.
But the fact is I’ve never been enough, I’ve always been the weird one, I’ve never fully belonged, I’ve felt more in the way then wanted, and disappointed more then made proud. As I’ve gotten older my desire to be loved and wanted by at least my family has only grown, yet I’ve only become more at odds with them. Many like me but few know me. I’ve failed over and over because I’m afraid to actually succeed. I’ve been rejected and outright insulted enough to know I’m not even close to pretty. My own family has turned on me abandoned me when I needed them the most. And been hurt, violated, and destroyed emotionally and mentally so many times that I’ve almost come to prefer staying this way instead of healing only to experince the agony of being torn apart all over again. Why should I trust anyone, my trust has always been betrayed. Why should I expect anyone to stick around, no one wants me after awhile. Why should I build and dream, everytime I’ve actually started to successfully pursue anything it gets ripped away for some reaason or another.
Yet I keep trying, keep wanting, keep returning, keep putting myself out there. I just wish these echos and demons would stop tearing me apart from within, I get torn apart by others enough. I try to build my confidance, my worth, my esteem but a lifetime of having these things destroyed has left me in a constant mental battle that underminds my best efforts. How do you fight your own mind? Maybe someday I’ll figure it out and then maybe I’ll finally be enough for somebody to want, then again maybe not….